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Graduation Speech

Greetings classmates, and welcome to Hell.

These were the greatest years of our lives. But now they’re over. Now, we are all off to the big boy world. A world full of debt, sorrow, work, exhaustion, and death. A world of excruciating failure and dreams forever left in ruin. A world where your neighbors steal your newspapers and loan sharks break your kneecaps. So it’s time to prepare for the bloodbath.

The whole world lies ahead of us now. We will all scamper off on our own paths, but they all lead to the same result. A broken back, and eventual mortal failure. Not to say that is immediately before us though. First, we must slowly decay into said condition. So on this great day of celebration, thus day of graduation from this tiny play world of menial sadness and meaning, into the real world, I hope you bought your barf bags.

If there is one thing living in this play world has taught me, it is that the cruelty of humanity is unrivaled by any other known species. People are mean, and go about their own empty lives in a crooked, empty attempt to make someone else’s life slightly less comfortable. I have learned of the impossibility of a happy life ahead, and really how pointless it all is. Our existence is an unfortunate happening at best. So, the wisdom that I can pass on to you, on to you all, is to be nice. Treat others at least slightly better than trash. We’ve all been treated like garbage before (actually my pet name among my friends is garbage) and it just makes us all feel slightly more grim. Which is a horrid way to feel when you’re literally waste high in the garbage of a garbagy world. I urge you all to treat one another somewhat nicely, hold doors and whatnot, because it really sucks when you’re wading through the earlier mentioned garbage of life AND people are throwing rocks at you, ranging from pebbles to boulders.

            With an act of kindness, there is always the chance that, just like a foreign agent infecting a nation of innocents and killing them all, your kindness might spread. Such cases are often rare (due to man’s inherit jerkish nature) but still, even the chance of an “outbreak of kindness” is worth pursuing. If one could encourage such an infection, one ought to. In a world where kindness is spread aggressively, we might even be able to forget about things like lawsuits, poor business principles, and warmongering. Kindness’ terrifying grasp might blot out negativity aimed at each other entirely, and I think that would be very nice indeed.

            However, being the semi-rational human male that I am, I find it very difficult to buy into an idea like that. I know that no matter how much one man might want a nice happy world with declining taxes and free veterinary care for thousands of cute little puppies, one hundred other men will say “No, we would rather bury ourselves in filth and then ferment for ten years, and after fermenting write a very long essay of perhaps 254 pages to explain to you why the world is better buried in the filth of our design”, and then proceed to beat the one man with a good idea into an early and unfortunate grave (see Jesus). Man does such things out of self-interest. Just as man is jerkish by nature, man is also rather entirely self-interested.

            To disregard the fact that most everyone ignores the negative effects of self interest, including at very least a portion of you all, would be unwise, so I won’t. Instead, I will urge those of you who are not sleeping right now to consider my words, and consider them heavily. Once you have done that, take on the paranoid and extremely cynical personality type that I have, and be very aware that no matter how much good you might want for the world, there will be many other that disagree, violently. So I ask you, those who listen, is it better to fight for the kindness you stand for (and plausibly die, accomplishing nothing), or to hide and survive in worthless silence behind the impenetrable wall of extremist self-lovers and destroyers of kindness, love, and eventually humanity, still accomplishing nothing.

Class mates, it is with great sorrow that I congratulate you on your graduation, and it is with half-hearted hope that I wish you the very best you can make of the garbage that life will hand you. One man’s trash, I suppose.


Here’s a little writing excercise we did in class today, writing about smells!:

“How does this smell?”

“Hmm… Quaint.”

“… What?”

Larry Jenson had a seemingly designless system of describing things.

In this case, his definition of a perfume scent, Curve by Liz Claiborne to be exact, struck him as quaint. However strange this might seem to an outsider trying to properly align the reasoning behind him saying this, there was in fact much reason behind that definition.

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