(Previous chapter can be found here: http://thejohnrillos.wordpress.com/2012/09/10/the-tale-of-laurum-hills/)
It was a Saturday afternoon, and little Lucy Lue was lolloping along the street, as she did every Saturday most every once in a while. The sun was hot, and beat on little Lucy’s face like a deranged child playing with a soup can. But little Lucy bowlinskogged along just the same, making her way to God knows where all the same, completely ignorant of the most unfortunate coincidence that was about to befall her.
Lucy played the flute. She would often play whilst prancing around the forest, interacting with all the wonderful and cuddly creatures to be found amongst the trees and shrubbery. Often times a small parade of rabbits would begin to trot along behind her, but she would always shoo them off, as she was the teensiest bit suspicious of the plausibly diabolical nature of the rabbits. She much preferred chipmunks and raccoons anyways, and even squirrels or small mountain lions.
But today Lucy was not playing the flute, or prancing, or in the forest, or collecting mushrooms. Lucy was shaboinging through the city today, and happened to be rounding the corner where the certain doom of her leg was about to be realized.
As she wangabocked forward, she noticed a bear trap sitting in the middle of the sidewalk, conveniently aligned with a fire hydrant.
“Hmm, this is most peculiar.” Lucy said to herself in italics, and proceeded to disarm the bear trap, place it in the nearest government regulated bear trap recycling unit, and continued to dundwing forward, past the completely harmless fire hydrant and the extremely sinister Lollypop Livery.
However, the lies of the previous third person narrator (who has just been replaced by a far more intelligent, hardworking sort) became immediately apparent when the previously mentioned fire hydrant rocketed out of the ground in an extremely harmful manner, its red tippity pippity aimed directly at Little Lucy Lue’s sternum.
In the flash of an eye, in the blink of a wrist, in the knee of a bear, Lucy completed a perfectly executed double reverse aerial somersault (complete with a bow-tie and a side of waffle fries) over the death rocket fire hydrant, and proceeded to vaporize it with a well aimed burst of her laser vision.
A moment should probably be taken to explain what made this seemingly ridiculous, obscure, random, and unexpected manuveur possible. Little Lucy Lue, the flute-playing-soon-to-be-dismembered-protagonist-of-this-story, is the youngest of a culturally nondescript family of particularly notable mutants. She is gifted with superb reflexes, laser vision, inhuman flexibility, telepathy, flouting prowess, and infinitely regular bowel movements. Her stunning wit and perfect physical form make it possible for her to accomplish less than possible feats, such as conjuring waffle fries and bow ties whenst carrying out highly complicated, plausibly fictional acrobatic maneuvers.
Lucy fell back to the sidewalk with a majestic twirl, sticking the landing and bringing tears to the eyes of the untold masses who witnessed her spectacularly, which happened to be 13 people. She turned to face her gaping audience, taking several bows and accepting their praise and monetary benefits as she reveled in her own glory, completely unaware of the seismic anomaly occurring directly beneath her left leg.
With a single satisfied gulp, the earth beneath her swallowed up both of her legs, and with a single whimsical chomp, crushed her bones into oblivion, and other sorts of tiny particles.
Even though this situation already appears to be most horrible, her horror had only just begun (even though it would shortly end.) A fountain of rabbits began to pour from the gap in the earth, where her now totally destroyed left and right legs both rested. (Note:The previous, now deceased narrator failed to mention that Little Lucy Lue in actuality would lose both legs while loping ‘longside the Lollipop Livery.)
The furry mass slithered all across her as tens, hundreds, thousands, sevens of rabbits poured from the salsa gap in the earth. She was pelted by the pelts of an unending torrent of carrot devouring creatures who, assumedly, had just risen up from the depths of hell.
Lucy contemplated letting out a dramatic scream, as to express her displeasure in losing two of her limbs, but decided not to as her neck snapped in two due to an unrelated happening. A man in a wheelchair finished his trek across her now totally jacked up corpse, one wheel lumping over her disconnected head.
“One step closer to It, my children,”He said in a raspy, dissonant monotone, “One step closer.”
(Go on, read the next chapter: http://thejohnrillos.wordpress.com/2012/09/17/laurum-hills-part-3-the-eggenning/)